How I met my partner

I sort of wish I had my guitar with me right now.

Because things are about to get sentimental. Cue all the Taylor Swift country songs from the early 2010s.

Kids, it all started maybe when I was in kindergarten 3, where I met the first 'real' crush of my life. Or at least, that is how sappy ol' me would like to tell the story, in the craziest, almost hilariously absurd way possible.

Yes we were in the same classroom, and there's the yearbook photo to prove it. But that's hindsight. Like who on earth remembers anything from when they were five? For the record, I certainly don't, beyond a few fuzzy short memories.

Fast forward to upper primary, I may have had/not had another puppy love crush for a fleeting moment, but that was that.

It was only well into my secondary school years, when that first 'real' crush developed. The classroom was a small place, the tight knit 'Express' cohort even more so.

I never really wanted to pop the question (seriously!!!), being so young back then, and as one of my Chinese teacher said: "It is that type of love, wherein it seems like it's there, and yet it is not, the uncertainty of it all, which is pure and beautiful".

But for some reason, I was never able to talk to her anymore, or even come anywhere close. It seemed as though there were two secret sides that formed, the girls and the boys (duh).

I would confide with my best friend, over the craziness of the situation. Like literally, I would be walking along this corridor, see her, and she and her friends would take a very sudden detour just to avoid coming into contact.

When we got to high school, I sort of helped out. Just as she would detour to avoid me, I would automatically find another scenic route around the building. And in case you're wondering, no, we don't bump into each other because we each took the same detour.

Ok maybe that's just me being paranoid.

It was a never-ending game of hide and hide. No questions asked. My best friend had moved overseas at that point, and so did an ally/friend on the girl's side, whom me and my best friend sometimes communicated with (over msn). Yes I had other good friends (one of whom might be reading this) but even they wouldn't have heard me speak of this matter.

From one angle, you could almost say that getting into my first 'real' relationship in high school was a bit of a relief. Surely once I was holding hands with another girl, I could stop this endless hide and hide?

Maybe, maybe not, the detouring had become almost an automatic response, and we still don't talk. The only time I recall when we sort of talked, was during a reunion of the "Express" friends at some Italian restaurant, and we (and one other vegetarian friend) were discussing about which pizza to order...

But anyways, I told myself to let go, or at least put a pause on the topic. Until some day in the future at some reunion maybe, when time has fuzzed away all our memories, and I could safely ask: "What on Earth happened back then?!! Why did you/me/we just suddenly not talk anymore?!! Couldn't we have at least stayed friends?!!"

But kids, I mean readers, I digress.

That 'real' relationship I had during high school? Well I thought I was brave for popping that question, instead of running/hiding away as with my first crush.

Yet the end still came for that relationship. It was after many years in a long distance state, as we transitioned into the realities of society.

I recall to have wrote a blog post after the breakup, an excerpt of which read:

... In a relationship, when you realize that there is actually an explainable reason why you like that person, you are already standing on thin ice.

When you know what attribute it is that you desire, you will seek for it. At first, that may direct you towards the person you are lusting for, but you may soon discover that that person is not the sole source of what you want, you find an alternative source.

If like I said, there are no other secrets (the 'why'(s) you like that person) in your repository, then you will soon reach the worst case scenario/ending - that that person is no longer necessary.

— "Secrets that make or break you" by Writing Journaler, May 2016

Basically, once you find out the freaking reason you are in love with somebody, then the end may be in sight. Because you will gradually find a replacement for that reason - the thing which you yearn. You may find the thing you actually need in some self help book, in another person, or maybe you learn that you don't need it anymore. Every time you fail to connect with your dear one, you might use your alternative, and one day perhaps, you wake up to realize what it is that you truly truly desire.

Really though, I had no regrets with the long relationship, nor the breaking up. Did it hurt? Somehow not as bad as I thought it would, because I had found out the reason I loved her, and figured a way to replace that, or live without it. As cold as it sounds, I believe that my rationale was true then, and still holds to this day.

Fast forward to a year in the work society, a few months before I was to start my PhD programme, that's when I met her, my current girlfriend and partner.

Up until then, I've pretty much went through my undergraduate years as some nice guy (surprisingly I have a certificate from my ex-hostel for it) with a long distance girlfriend (see above). Read: I was out of bounds. Yes I did like one or two people a bit, and even had someone do a love-at-first-sight thing on me, but I came out single, unavailable, and indifferent.

Friends graduated and went, found jobs and kept busy. I got into this super saving mode, working long hours, even taking an online MSc class (that didn't work out). Somehow I had set a goal to be financially independent by 2020, which would be easy giving my ~80% savings rate. Then I met her.

Officially, we met on Valentine's Day at the restaurant. It was me, her, and another friend, all singles, and all available (to work on that SAD day). I didn't actually talk to her at all, other than giving some instructions perhaps.

A few weeks to a month later, well, we still haven't talked much...

But one night out of the blue, Saturday I think it was, she sent a friend request on one of those chat apps. I sort of just accepted it and went to bed.

The next morning, I saw that she had sent this very long confession message. Big surprise. Somehow though, I replied politely, and after a few exchanges, decided to give her a chance by going on a date.

So yes, it wasn't me that asked her out, it was her. I wouldn't say I'm as ashamed to admit it as much as she is. Wait, am I like writing this out in the public?

Ok, it's unfair writing this in hindsight, since the relationship is still going, but I did sort of want to mention one little fight that ties me back to my last breakup. You see, a few months into our relationship, after the honeymoon-ish period, we fought, and quite strongly at that.

At one point, she said to me, that I was only in the relationship, because I fancied the idea of "Being in a relationship". She actually hit the nail on the head, and I paused on that thought.

Was I? Was I really just some sappy hopeless romantic who was in a relationship just because I'm a sappy hopeless romantic?

She had said, to my very face, a very good reason on why I was hanging on to that relationship. If that were said to me a year or so back, that would have literally killed the relationship for me.

But for some reason, I stubbornly held on. I apologized profusely, tried to make amends, and literally sacrificed whatever dignity I had.

I believed that deep down, there was another secret reason I loved her. That time was also a point of maturity for me, to be able to withstand more dramatic ups and downs, to transcend beyond a fragile teenage relationship that could not cope with life's realities. To build a relationship actually rooted in reality, not dreams.

To me currently, I guess that's what love means.

We got through in the end, and by we, I probably mean me, my partner, and the community around us. There is a saying, that relationships are between the two, while marriage is a thing for the whole village.

Not that we're married or engaged yet, but really, I could never properly express the gratitude that I have to my restaurant bosses, my partner's friends, my sister, and all the various people that have somehow kept the two of us together. It's not necessarily the blessings per se, nor the social pressure, heck I'm not sure what magic it is really that is happening. But really, there is this bigger 'family' that keeps us together.

So now she's back in her home country, and I'm continuing on my exchange, i.e. a long distance relationship for me once more. Unlike before though, we're actually gonna make the effort to meet up - she coming to Europe by the end of the month or next, depending on the visa application. Afterwards, there will be her graduation in December, and I'm thinking of visiting her hometown next year for Chinese New Year.

Why am I writing all of this? Well, I've just finished binge-ing on the last episodes of "How I Met Your Mother". I do recommend the alternative ending, like really really.

Plus I just got really nostalgic after getting a little involved in a school reunion planning event. Ten years already?!!! Time really has flown by.

There's that, and the fact that I'm not sure what will happen if I do go to the reunion. When I was young, I used to imagine and play out all these weird scenarios of what might happen, what to say, comebacks and all.

But now, I've kinda stopped imaging outrageous scenarios into the future. If I'm gonna get slapped, beaten up, or more likely, questioned to death, so be it.

At the end of the day, I am quite happy with my life overall, and what it came too. Sure there are extremely trying times, but what to do, life goes on. People stay, people go.

It's 2am. "Who do you love?".

P.