Nothing is uncompromisable

I've just came back from a whirlwind of a trip that centred around my sister's graduation. There was all sorts of emotions flying around, and as ambivalent as I tried to remain, it can be tough sometimes.

Perhaps I'll preface this by saying I had close to no expectations of the trip. My mind was on preparing for my PhD proposal talk last Tuesday, and I had but a few hours to pack and get any last minute things sorted before my flight early Wednesday morning. The planning of any trip whatsoever was left to my sister and parents, the closest I did to trip planning was a return ticket for myself and my family flying into my sister's city.

In a sense, I did have a rough outline of what to expect, but I deliberately stayed out of any discussion on where to go, what to do, etc. Usually I travel slow, either by walking or biking, taking the bus when long distances are involved. This time though, with my older-age parents in tow, there definitely won't be any YOLO-style eco-tourism.

Yes, we took the gasoline-powered car.

And the trip was utter madness.

Personally I don't drive, but I definitely feel ready to pull my hair out when people in the backseat want to suddenly stop with less than 10 seconds notice to take a picture of some beautiful scenery.

Or sheep, like, y'know we have lots of sheep in New Zealand right?

Windows would suddenly be opened just to get a clear shot of some picturesque view. The small sedan car would shudder, especially if there is another car whooshing past on the other lane. Never mind that it's raining and windy, or that the car is going maybe 100km/h.

Sigh.

Yes, they were trying really hard to cram as much as they can into what was a less than week-long trip. We drove to Queenstown, like, for one night. Trust me, people do not go there for just one night, it is a freakingly beautiful place with alpine lakes and so much good food and adventure tourism stuff!

So what is this thing, the gap between what you would do and what someone else wants you to do (that you feel is absurd)?

Compromise.

Not everything can be done "my way or it's the highway". They say that people are the hardest beasts to manage. We can land a sensitive instrument on Mars but we can't get the world to agree on how to genuinely limit emissions for no more than 2°C of global warming.

There are people who are creatures of comfort. My parents have lived most of their lives driving cars, so much that they would drive rather than walk to somewhere a block or two away.

I have my own habits too, eating a vegetarian diet for example. Some might call it a core value that is uncompromisable, but is it so really?

My sister studies Nutrition, and yes, being a vegetarian isn't a panacea for better health but a healthy diet does often require some plant-based foods. Yet I can't say I'm a vegetarian just to be healthy. I could be eating veggie pizza and chips/crisps and still get by!

What about frugality? Sure, I love to save money, and veggie products can be cheaper than meat most of the time. I used to survive on about $10 a week by getting food supplies at the veggie market. But if I were truly frugal, then why am I starting to buy all those expensive soy-based protein products?!!

Ah environmentalism. Yes I'm a greenie (probably more so a few years ago than now), aligned with my background in environmental science. Plants use up less space and resources to grow than livestock, and I do try to minimize my carbon footprint by being lower on the pyramid. However, if you ask me when I started being a vegetarian, it was actually more than a decade ago, before I had any clue about resource utilization.

Or is 'no food waste' my core value? I'll be frank, I really do not like to waste food, and have gone to extreme lengths to eat any leftovers I feel responsible for. There is only so much one mouth and tummy can do though, it's not like I'll finish everything on a buffet table or risk getting food poisoning from contaminated food.

If you say that 'no killing' is the essence of vegetarianism, I can't say I'm sure of it myself. What of all the pests killed from pesticide use, or the worms in the soil that were cut up by tractors? I have a pair of leather shoes in possession, what do I make of that?

I'm not even going to tell you all the nuances and caveats of my 'vegetarian' diet. Apparently I'm not supposed to eat onions or garlic, though I make it an exception when I'm ordering food outside, or if it's kimchi or garlic bread.

Instead, I'm just gonna throw it all out and say that yes, my vegetarian diet is compromisable. There is no true core value behind it, it is not about 'no killing', 'environmentalism', 'frugality', 'health' or whatever. Neither is it all of the above combined.

That is not to say every who reads this should start spiking my food with meat...

I do have an 'ideal' vegetarian diet I wish I could follow every day. However, that is not a baseline, it is merely a default reference point.

Every so often, this reference vegetarian diet is tested, pushed to such an extreme that I do have to question myself.

For example, is it fair that everyone I eat with at the same table should order vegetarian? If I order a meat-laden takeaway for my girlfriend, does the burden of killing fall on me? And what exactly do I lose in karma points for eating food with meat-based seasonings like oyster sauce, chicken seasoning or something else?

These are all difficult questions.

And they come up only because of this 'restriction' on food (as others see it).

Such questions persist also because I refuse to label myself a flexitarian which implies a greater degree of compromisable freedom.

Yes, there are levels of compromisability! You could be a:

Why have those distinctions though? Maybe it's just getting close to Christmas and it's usually during gatherings that these difficult questions pop up.

There are people out there, who have none of this choice. That I am able to pick and choose from a menu of options, and communicate to the wait-staff to leave out some particular ingredient, already implies a degree of privilege.

Is it possible that choice, the agency of choosing, is at fault here?

On Sunday, we took our parents to walk down a long 20-30 min track to Tunnel Beach. It was quite a tough walk for my 50 plus year old parents, and when we came to the entrance of the tunnel they hesitated to go further down, they wanted to go back so badly.

But we kids persisted that they walk down that dimly lit tunnel. They did in the end, and it was spectacular down at the beach! The tunnel led to a U-shaped bay of golden sand, cliffs surrounding the sides. The tides slowly lapped onto the gently sloping, almost flat shore, and we spent maybe half an hour there.

On the way back up to the carpark, they did pant a lot because of the climb, but other than that, not many complaints whatsoever.

You see, along the way to the beach, they always had the option to go back. They wanted so badly to exercise that choice too!

On the way back though, there really isn't an option, there was only one way back - up the hill - so they had to drag themselves up no matter what.

Vegetarianism to me at least, is indeed a restriction. It is this restriction however, that enables clarity.

What I mean by anything is compromisable, is that I am going from zero to one. If I have no choice, then I compromise a little so that I have something. If I already have a choice, then there is no need to compromise.

On Sunday, the day in between my sister's graduation and my flight home, I had morning tea with an old friend. Apparently our sisters were in the same graduation batch, and it was pure coincidence that we met on Saturday!

At the cafe, we caught up, it must have been two years or so since we last met. We spoke for maybe more than an hour, him telling me about life and drama on his small island nation. Me? Well, I mostly listened, he was a great chatter, and I absorbed a lot, mostly gossip on other friends in my past circle.

No idea why, but it is always towards the end in this one-on-one reunion settings, that we start talking about relationships.

The two of us (and another friend) had a girlfriend (each) in high school. A funny three musketeers sort of situation perhaps? At least amongst our closest circle of friends, we three couples were quite 'shiny' to say the least. It's hard to describe it exactly, somewhat of an inside joke.

I'll cut the story short. I broke up with my ex around 2015 (gosh was it that long ago)? Our other friend broke up in 2016 apparently, and the friend I talked to broke up just last year in 2017.

That's not the point I'm trying to get across though.

As the two of us finished our coffee, we sort of discussed in a 'mature' way about this mindset of being and staying in a relationship. The reason we broke up back then, is complex yes, but it basically has to do with how unwilling we were to let go of some 'core value' or need.

Ah, young naive love.

We were unwilling to compromise, or give up some habit, or creature comfort that we have gotten so used to. It might be our career direction, a city we have become attached to, or some other reason.

The honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, as much as we wish it does. Almost definitely, there will eventually be a day when you will fight. Not just some fight over some pitiful small thing, a real fight that pits your core values over the person you so fondly love.

Am I angry though, because I don't have a choice? Or am I angry because I am unwilling to compromise?

Nothing, I repeat, nothing, is uncompromisable. And that applies to everything we face in our life, including love, especially when it comes to love.

Of course, knowing this fact is one thing. Being able to live up to it for the rest of your life with another person is an entirely different matter.

At least knowing it is a start.

I've really learned a lot from mentors and elders this year, sometimes in an indirect way, but my vantage point has certainly changed.

I used to think that there are parts of me, my personality perhaps, that are permanent. Now I am not sure. I am not sure if I will recognize who I become next year.

Yet I take comfort in knowing, that my compromises, will be for the better for someone.

Once again, I repeat. Nothing is uncompromisable.