Special snowflake you

They say that Venice is a place like no other. That if you were given the choice between going to Venice and XXX, you should definitely go to Venice, because it is one of a kind.

A special snowflake.

Well, having just came back from a two and a half day trip there, I really do think Venice is worth it! But I'm not here to gloat about my trip, I'm here to digest two long conversations I've had since that trip.

Both one on one conversations, with two friends, that went on for much longer than it should. I honestly cannot remember the last time I've had such a deep conversation, let alone two within the space of 24 hours.

So let's begin

The first conversation happened the day after coming back from Venice. I had just came back from the first day of a workshop (which I forgot about until it was 10am), semi-tired and just about to prepare dinner.

One of my Venice travel buddies (there were three of us in total) was sitting in the common area. He looked a bit homeless, sitting by the L-shaped sofa, snacks spread out over half the coffee table. I asked him why he was there (he lived in a different dorm).

Some quarrel with his landlord he said. Okay... Not long after, my other Venice travel buddy came, and the three of us chatted for a fair bit.

The homeless looking friend left soon after to catch some grand finale blockbuster movie. Me and my other friend thus began to cook dinner. It was pretty much just the two of us there, most people from our floor still away on Easter holiday.

And as we finished our cooking and sat down, I suppose that's when the conversation started.

She was in a don't-know-what-to-do state, having spent the whole day trying to apply for a job, the key word being 'trying'. Her laptop was right next to her on the couch, and having seen her struggle with job applications a few weeks ago, I guess nothing productive materialized that day.

I knew she struggled very hard with a rejection a while back from an interview she thought she had nailed, at a great company that would kickstart her career fabulously. Yet I was cautious, hesitant almost, to give any direct advice from my personal journey, or even those of my friends.

Just because my story, or just about anybody's, was a 'success', does not mean that following what I/she/he did would lead you to the same success. In fact, that is exactly the thing I want to avoid - glorifying success stories.

For every successful story out there, you seldom will hear about the dozens if not hundreds of failures that went before that. In the newspaper, you will only ever hear about the story of the Lotto winner, and never the tens of thousands of others who did not hit jackpot.

Yet what if you refuse to believe that failure was due to randomness in the system? What if you thought there was something wrong with you, something wrong with the other person, or just that there was something wrong?!!

Do I really need to know what went haywire? Would I change myself if I knew exactly what was wrong? What if I will never ever ever know why the person didn't call me back? How can I move on, not knowing the reason I have failed?!

These are all questions with no right answer, or some might say, no answer at all. I could not tell my friend what is true, nor did I think it is conducive to stay in the same place, without progressing, because of one big rejection.

Every other sentence the interviewer mentioned, the positive connotations, down to the very fact that the interview took 1 hour instead of 30 minutes, is that not the sign of a positive interview? Not necessarily.

How can I break it to her, that that's not how the world works?

Well, the topic of personality came up.

It followed on from one random night in Venice, when she asked me what my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator was. I said IxxP, and she was surprised, having thought I was an (E)xtrovert instead.

"No way", I said, I'm definitely an (I)ntrovert. She asked me to guess hers and I jokingly said she was an extrovert. She laughed "How did you know"?

Wait what O.O?

Fast forward to post-Venice, I told her that I was actually surprised that she considered herself an extrovert. Maybe it's a matter of relativity, she probably believes she's quite extroverted in comparison to her other Asian friends, whereas I think she leans more towards introversion in relation to my more Western sample of acquaintances?

From there, we talked about power dynamics, how some bosses/managers prefer less strong willed people (better manipulated). Was she strong willed? A little perhaps, to the point that I actually suggested her to start her own company, but she jokingly shook that off.

There were a few other things, though I can't remember what we talked about in detail anymore. For about two hours though, we broke down many pre-existing assumptions and opened up our worldview. We shared some of our past stories, some quite personal. Towards the end, I think we both got to know ourselves a little bit better.

It was refreshing to talk so openly about some things, and I was glad that she felt like she could move forward with her job seeking situation.

The next day, I endured a whole morning of machine learning talks and programming that was well, not in my area of interest, surprisingly enough. I literally scrambled out at lunch time, finding myself eating lunch upstairs on the third floor mini-kitchen.

As I was halfway through my sandwich, another friend of mine on the same floor came in, having just finished her lunch. And you know how sometimes you ask "How are you?" out of politeness and get a longer answer than you anticipated? Well that afternoon was one of those times.

She was in an unproductive state, having made little progress recently on her PhD research. Her mood was noticeably down, a far departure from the lively person I knew who could climb over any snow mountain and cheer up any social gathering with her relentlessly positive attitude.

I knew she set a high bar for herself, and was also torn between the demands of her two supervisors, each great but each with a different focus on their respective subfields. Various European travel desires tempted her, yet she knew how she could not enjoy even a weekend away, as her mind keeps reminding her about unfinished business.

To be honest, I am facing the same phase of unproductivity now, and have experienced such phases in the past few months over my PhD programme. Still, I realize that there are some troughs that feel too deep to come out of, especially when before you felt like you were at the top of the mountain.

In cases like this, PhD Comics will only take you so far. I don't really believe that telling PhD students that depression is 'normal', that you will simply get through at 'some point', is conducive for the graduate community. On the other hand, just answering "I am fine" to every "How are you?", i.e. appearing okay when deep inside you are not, is not okay either in the long term.

What can I do then, to overcome this downer phase in my life? Is it possible that I'm simply not smart enough to do a PhD? What if I'm not up for this, and what if all the research I'm doing is actually worthless? How can I proceed, without knowing what exactly I need to do?!

These are all questions that should not be asked, nor should they even stay and linger in your mind. In fact, I cannot stress enough on why anyone, no matter how qualified, should even attempt to answer those very questions.

Even if you were the top in your class, received top honours, and have landed yourself a fantastic scholarship/contract for the next three years, is that not a sign that you are smart enough to do a PhD? Not necessarily.

How should I phrase it to her, that that's not exactly the right mindset to have?

Well, the topic of emptiness came up.

Stepping back through time, I listened to her story on converting her religion to Buddhism. The numerous meditation retreats she attended that founded her bliss, especially one where someone revealed the meaning of the Heart Sutra she had a strong affinity for.

It was not a straightforward spiritual journey, there were times of realization interspersed with times of feeling lost. She mentioned how a Christian friend pulled her out from a bad phase a while back, her complicated openness towards inter-faith beliefs, the various books she has read seeking to understand.

Even the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality was brought up. I laughed and said how I sensed a bit of déjà vu from a conversation last night. Was there perhaps some astronomical alignment going on? Each of us has our mood swings, and it's nice to pour it all out.

The moon waxes and wanes. We can be influenced by these dark and light phases, or we can simply look forward to the bright Sun the very next day.

The thing about us humans is that we like to think the best of ourselves. Well yes, who would want to live thinking that they are a bad person?

For some reason, this quote keeps popping up in my mind:

"What is - is".

The term special snowflake can be used in a lesser sense, as synonyms for entitlement, narcissism and whatnot.

So what? Of course each of us are unique, special, one-of-a-kind, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way.

We can conform when we want to, and still live our life as we want to the fullest.

I guess what we're trying to say is, that we're not willing to hear the same ol' cliche story that's been told millions of times. Each one of us has our own story, a very special one at that.

So just as I am special, accept the fact that others too have their special needs.

Yet.

Where art thou listener? One who empathizes with our predicament, answers with questions not suggestions, echoes back loud and clear the calling from our heart~

They are scarce, they are not always free, they may not even feel that they are worthy of processing your stories. But they are your support system, the ones who make you realize you are not alone in this.

So treat them nicely, and listen closely.

Before lil' ol' snowflake melts away~