You know what to do, so tell me

Sometimes, like you know, you just need to put it out there.

Spoiler alerts ahead

It's been a while since I last saw a Jackie Chan movie. Wouldn't say I've a huge fan, but hey, there are some good gems once in a while. Typically I wouldn't waste my airplane hours watching a blockbuster action movie unless it's good, but I caught sight of this movie called Namiya on my flight back last month. It's not action, yet it's got Jackie Chan in it, which is an interesting combination so I thought why not?!

Without spoiling it too much (yet), the movie is about these three orphans sending letters into a magical mailbox. There's some weird sci-fi time travelling element to it, but in the past, the letters would end up being read by some mysterious old man. The old man (Jackie Chan himself) goes on to answer the letters which are usually questions asking for advice on careers and whatnot.

As a joke/prank/test, one time the orphans (accidentally?) slipped in a blank letter. And the reply they got (translated via subtitles) was as below. I recommend reading it in your head with an old/wise Jackie Chan voice for effect.

To Blank Sheet,

I am getting old. I thought long and hard, before I knew why you sent me this [blank sheet]. Maybe I'm becoming senile. My guess is that you didn't know what to ask.

For those who sought my advice, they usually had specific questions. Or, should I say, they already come with their own maps. But in most cases, they had no idea where they were. But you sent only a blank sheet. This shows you didn't have a map. This is indeed disturbing. But what I want to share with you is, after counselling so many people, I discover that one must still work hard in order to attain a better life. The advice I gave in my letters only meant to reinforce an already determined heart.

The good thing about a blank sheet is you can freely draw your own. That is to say, your future is unbounded. Now go and draw your own map. I sincerely hope you have faith in yourself. Create without fear and sparkle!

This is the last reply I write.

Thank you.

In a way, it's strange to think that the person offering you advice isn't actually doing much more than just telling you what you already know. Don't you find it crazy how people go to extraordinary lengths sometimes? Paying consultants, gurus, counsellors, advisors and so on to guide them towards some lofty higher sense of self!

Even if you don't spend money, you might spend lots of time (another valuable resource) to talk to your friend about some problem you have. Or if you're like me, maybe your mom likes to tell you her life's problems for hours on the phone. Heck, you'll have to double that listening time if you're also in a relationship with someone higher on the extraversion scale.

Why sometimes I feel too that this daily blogging habit is like an ultimate form of therapy.

Think about it, what percentage of your day-to-day problems are solved by yourself vs solved by someone else? Now think again, for the problems you think are solved by other people, do they actually solve it for you, or do you have to DIY implement it yourself anyway?

It does vary depending on what sort of problem you're working on of course. I've just handed in my PhD proposal last week (Woohoo!) and I remember how in the final proofreading stages, it's not that I don't know what's wrong with it. My supervisor would point out all these minor stuff which I've been putting off for ages. Stuff like captions on figures, better flow of the sections, just simple things really.

What you often need is an impartial person to look at your faults and just point them out to you.

Or you could talk to a bot.

It's said that there are two types of people working on chatbots today: Those who know ELIZA, and those who’ve never heard of it.

ELIZA was one of the first natural language processing programs, designed by Joseph Weizenbaum way back in 1964! It's clearly a simple chatbot, one that doesn't even have a contextual framework of the world built in. She responds using some rules designed around Rogerian psychotherapy or person-centered therapy. Basically, turning your question back at you until you get it.

Fun fact: ELIZA showed up in Young Sheldon Season 1 Ep 12!

What's interesting about ELIZA is the effect it had on people. There it was, a computer program that was clearly programmed according to a simple set of heuristics, yet people unconsciously believed that ELIZA actually meant what she said. Weizenbaum's own secretary reportedly asked him to leave the room so that she and ELIZA could have a real conversation, like how messed up is that!

It's a common trick actually. One that introverts like me might pick up and use with a bit more flair than ELIZA. Really there's only two steps involved:

1. Find a topic that gets the person interested.
2. Let him/her talk about it for the next hour with a few nudges along the way.

The hard part is knowing what interest's the person you're talking to. I went out for coffee with one of my office mates and both of our supervisors' this morning, and ended up listening most of the way. Not that I mind being quiet, but I do feel the need to work on my social skills to avoid awkward silence situations.

Tip: Talk about the weather.

On a darker note, does it make you wonder if people are actually having a conversation because they care, or because of some other motive? If a chatbot can make you think that it's having a genuine conversation with you, how easy would it be for a person to do the same!

Like I could imagine a lawyer or psychologist who is being charged per hour wanting to stretch the discussion out as long as possible. Or you have Uber drivers and restaurant staff acting all friendly and asking you about your day so they can get a good review.

In New Zealand, there's no culture to tip, but when I was in the States three months ago, I would get into these really uncomfortable situations. You would have a wait-staff serve you something with a smile, and after you go up to pay, their facial expression goes the other way. Took me a while to realize that they expect you to tip! And it's not like a spare change or $1 tip is enough either, you're meant to tip like 10% or so (which can go up to a few bucks).

So on one hand, you could be served really well. On the other hand, that person/machine might be doing it because they're simply financially motivated or programmatically designed to do so?!!

I don't want this to go down a slippery slope to say that it's a dog eat dog world out there. It's hard to refute the fact though, that you yourself are the one with your best interests in mind.

Consciously or sub-consciously, you know what makes you tick. You yourself understands all the finicky bits that represents your personal situation best. People might think you're old but you might be young at heart, they might say you're too thin but they don't know how you're healthy enough to only see the doctor maybe once a year.

Sure, it can be hard to express exactly what you're going through.

But if you tell me about it, maybe I can help.

Actually, you can tell anyone, even a bot, or just write it down somewhere, and it will probably still help.

There's a psychology study (n=2274, randomized-control, double-blind, read: pretty-gold-standard) that found: "strugglers who gave advice, compared to those who received expert advice, were more motivated to save money, control their tempers, and seek employment."

Yes, giving might be it!

It's less helpful to just take, take and take. You might think that it's great to just receive, but in reality, it's those who are giving you the advice who are nailing it. The researchers found that: "Giving advice motivated givers by raising their confidence - a reality that predictors fail to anticipate."

So if you don't know what to do, give! I started this blog partly because I've gotten a bit bored consuming other blogs out there. Thought it might be time to contribute something meaningful back into the discourse. Plus, it's a good way to solidify some of my thoughts via the Feynman method.

Next time you're feeling unmotivated, find a way to express yourself. Good luck!