Empower rather than nudge

Sometimes, it is hard to know where to begin.

Just when you think compromising is enough, or that going through all kinds of relationship stories prepares you for what to come, and that surviving the depths of Covid means there should be a happy ever after. The reality hits you time and time again, manifested as fights, that there is still oh so much to learn.

I thought that settling means the literal sense of the word, but time and time again, turbulence has to stir up drama.

My school of thought on behavioural science may have been influenced by an environmental psychology class I took a decade ago. Nudging was a popular concept then, the idea was that one could steer someone's behaviour using subtle techniques.

On paper, the intention sounds good, nudging someone towards good behaviour. But it assumes a flaw in people - that they are incapable of self agency.

My partner wanted none of that, the hints and subtle suggestions, no matter how well meant, could not mask the fact that it reeked of me assuming the worst of her.

She wanted me to not nudge or hint, but encourage and empower her. For some days, I was confused as to what difference does it even make, as long as the intention was good? Until I happened on this paper on "Boosting: Empowering Citizens with Behavioral Science" did I finally understand and have the vocabulary to articulate the above.

So that's my homework for this year, to actively boost rather than passively nudge.

For context, the past quarter of a year has been a non-stop whirlwind. We've taken the plunge in purchasing a house in the suburbs, about 10min walk from a train stop.

The dealings with agents, lawyers, brokers and so on have been taxing, and often a source of arguments. We've swapped out weekends of house viewings for weekends shopping at hardware and furniture stores, sprucing up the property and all.

It all felt like a rush and a blur, I recall leaving my December conference prep to the last minute, and was lucky to get that done. The Christmas break flew past so quickly too, I remember playing on the Switch a lot, and it was a light reprieve until my partner's secondhand car arrived in the first week of the year.

We moved all our stuff to the new house around mid-Jan, trip by trip almost every night, just before a scheduled break to visit her parents. The day before our flight, we accompanied her friend to the hospital's emergency room, staying till after sunset. That night, we transported the rest of our belongings in three trips, staying up past 1am.

She doesn't believe it, but I do think this was our first flight together. The layovers were long, we arrived in Shanghai and stayed for a day, mostly so she could get her hair done, and buy some clothes since we packed in a rush. We then went to her hometown for a day, and hopped over to Xiamen for an overnight trip to see her friend that was expecting soon. Lots of shopping, eating, and sightseeing in this trip.

The first few days of CNY involved a bit of drama on the elderly generation that got awkward to say the least. I had some more 'serious' conversations with her parents, especially her mom. She made a good point that got me thinking through the night, a possible answer to the root cause of why one of our fights occurred.

Alas, I later learned is that that wasn't the exact reason. We were back in Shanghai for about three days before our flight back to NZ and at least we had a chance to talk things over. Again, I still need to do my homework on getting the actual point.

As the years go by, it seems like the stakes keep increasing and there is less room for errors.

From tackling climate change, to personal relationships, and everything in between, any missteps appear to have a greater cost associated with it.

Or has it always been like this?

From passive to active.

Let's go!